Unwindtilters ( Daily life department ) are going to said about true Love . As you know this week is known for Valentine week , so our today's subject is love and definition of Love .
Let's we start .....
This post is a cynical analysis of what we call love, based on the behavior of hundred of people in relationships and people who claim to love each other. If you're looking for flowery poetry, please go somewhere else.
Many insist that love is sublimely abstract, and others insist that attempting to define it ruins its value. When you think of it as a motivator, then it's a lot simpler. Love really breaks down into three things:
1. A desire for something to be part of your life.
An important distinction here is that the object of your desire doesn't have to be happy with the situation. If you love ice cream, your desire is to spread it across your tongue and feel the lipids get absorbed into your system, not to see that the icecream cone lives a fulfilling life. When applied to relationships, it can lead some people to entrap or coerce others into spending time with them through means that include random acts of kindness, passive aggressive behavior, and even violent threats.
We don't like to think of love this way. We think of this as selfish and ugly, but you are kidding yourself if you think that this is unusual. Any possessive thought you have about your significant other stems from this motivation. Most of us wouldn't go to inconsiderate extremes to hold onto someone that isn't happy with us, but this is actually the most common use of the word "love". It's often mixed with the second version in various proportions, but each is its own motivation and causes distinctly different behaviors.
2. A desire for someone else's happiness
This is what most of us think of when we think of love. This form of love is when we selflessly care about someone and want them to be happy. This form of love is completely absent of selfish intent - a desire to get something in return for the other person's happiness (even if it's just recognition or a relationship) is actually mixing in (1) above. The Ancient Greeks called this kind of love "philia", the kind of love we have for our children and siblings.
When someone's happiness is more important than our own, then it becomes a reasonable basis for a relationship. When both people feel this way, it becomes the basis for a good relationship.
While some people consider this form of love to be supreme, in a relationship this kind of love is often discounted, and can even get you "friend zoned". In the end, the only thing that makes a person happy is themselves, and some people just don't want YOU to make them happy. As many parents eventually learn, often the best thing you can do to improve someone else's happiness is to just take your fingers out of their life and let them live it.
3. Limited self-interest
I add this one to the list because it doesn't really involve wanting a person to be near you regularly, and it doesn't really have much to do with that other person's happiness, but it is nonetheless a driving motivation that people mistake for love.
This occurs when we have a need (often sexual) to have an interaction with another person, with no consideration for long term concerns. This is often referred to as lust or puppy love or infatuation because it hits the person in an absence of other circumstances, and will usually resolve itself when the initial desire is satisfied.
These three can be charted individually through most relationships. The most common patterns are:
Start with lots of (3), often mistaken for (1). As you get to know the person, you may develop (1) and/or (2) before (3) fades. If both people feel (1) for each other but not (2), this will result in a relationship that involves a lot of rocks and negotiations to get each other's needs met. If both people have a lot of (2) and not much (1), then they may loose interest in each other because neither one is driving the relationship, or they may just grow into a comfortable pattern of mutually helpful interaction. If one person feels (1) strongly, and the other feels (2) strongly, this results in a dominant/submissive relationship, as is what we think of as the standard model for marriage. There are a lot of issues and compensation mechanisms that develop if the primary doesn't experience much (2) or the secondary doesn't express much (1), and that's what marriage councilors are for.
In my experience, "true love" occurs when both (1) and (2) are strong for both people, and the best relationships are when that case is reinforced with regular doses of (3). Although that's a lot of hard work on both people's part, I've found it to be well worth it.
I think 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible has the best definition. On a superficial reading, it's a saccharine, sappy statement of love used in many weddings (including my own!). But if you dig deeper and parse the language, it says something very different. BTW, I regrettably consider myself a "Super Bowl" Christian...only go to Church for the "Super Bowl" events like Easter and Christmas.
Peter Gomes from Harvard has a great point that the breakdown in love - specifically marriages and relationships - derives not from the big betrayals (eg, infidelity) but from the small, day-to-day breakdown of connections and courtesys (sic).
True love is when you find someone who can laugh at the absurdity of life with you, who you can be happy with sitting in silence for 24 hours straight, whether you are looking at them behind a glass wall, on a skype screen on the other side of the world, or lying still in their arms. True love is being with someone who reminds you growing up doesn't mean that you can't be a kid always. True love is when the happiness you feel for your own accomplishments is dwarfed by the happiness you feel when the person you love is smiling. True love is finding someone who annoys you less than they make you feel safe, wanted, and at peace with the world's overall lack of meaning -- and even being with someone who gives the world a little bit of powerful temporary meaning.
Source - Quara
If you agree with above , then don't forget to write comment . You should write name of your crush .
Let's we start .....
Many insist that love is sublimely abstract, and others insist that attempting to define it ruins its value. When you think of it as a motivator, then it's a lot simpler. Love really breaks down into three things:
1. A desire for something to be part of your life.
An important distinction here is that the object of your desire doesn't have to be happy with the situation. If you love ice cream, your desire is to spread it across your tongue and feel the lipids get absorbed into your system, not to see that the icecream cone lives a fulfilling life. When applied to relationships, it can lead some people to entrap or coerce others into spending time with them through means that include random acts of kindness, passive aggressive behavior, and even violent threats.
We don't like to think of love this way. We think of this as selfish and ugly, but you are kidding yourself if you think that this is unusual. Any possessive thought you have about your significant other stems from this motivation. Most of us wouldn't go to inconsiderate extremes to hold onto someone that isn't happy with us, but this is actually the most common use of the word "love". It's often mixed with the second version in various proportions, but each is its own motivation and causes distinctly different behaviors.
2. A desire for someone else's happiness
This is what most of us think of when we think of love. This form of love is when we selflessly care about someone and want them to be happy. This form of love is completely absent of selfish intent - a desire to get something in return for the other person's happiness (even if it's just recognition or a relationship) is actually mixing in (1) above. The Ancient Greeks called this kind of love "philia", the kind of love we have for our children and siblings.
When someone's happiness is more important than our own, then it becomes a reasonable basis for a relationship. When both people feel this way, it becomes the basis for a good relationship.
While some people consider this form of love to be supreme, in a relationship this kind of love is often discounted, and can even get you "friend zoned". In the end, the only thing that makes a person happy is themselves, and some people just don't want YOU to make them happy. As many parents eventually learn, often the best thing you can do to improve someone else's happiness is to just take your fingers out of their life and let them live it.
3. Limited self-interest
I add this one to the list because it doesn't really involve wanting a person to be near you regularly, and it doesn't really have much to do with that other person's happiness, but it is nonetheless a driving motivation that people mistake for love.
This occurs when we have a need (often sexual) to have an interaction with another person, with no consideration for long term concerns. This is often referred to as lust or puppy love or infatuation because it hits the person in an absence of other circumstances, and will usually resolve itself when the initial desire is satisfied.
These three can be charted individually through most relationships. The most common patterns are:
Start with lots of (3), often mistaken for (1). As you get to know the person, you may develop (1) and/or (2) before (3) fades. If both people feel (1) for each other but not (2), this will result in a relationship that involves a lot of rocks and negotiations to get each other's needs met. If both people have a lot of (2) and not much (1), then they may loose interest in each other because neither one is driving the relationship, or they may just grow into a comfortable pattern of mutually helpful interaction. If one person feels (1) strongly, and the other feels (2) strongly, this results in a dominant/submissive relationship, as is what we think of as the standard model for marriage. There are a lot of issues and compensation mechanisms that develop if the primary doesn't experience much (2) or the secondary doesn't express much (1), and that's what marriage councilors are for.
In my experience, "true love" occurs when both (1) and (2) are strong for both people, and the best relationships are when that case is reinforced with regular doses of (3). Although that's a lot of hard work on both people's part, I've found it to be well worth it.
I think 1 Corinthians 13 in the Bible has the best definition. On a superficial reading, it's a saccharine, sappy statement of love used in many weddings (including my own!). But if you dig deeper and parse the language, it says something very different. BTW, I regrettably consider myself a "Super Bowl" Christian...only go to Church for the "Super Bowl" events like Easter and Christmas.
Peter Gomes from Harvard has a great point that the breakdown in love - specifically marriages and relationships - derives not from the big betrayals (eg, infidelity) but from the small, day-to-day breakdown of connections and courtesys (sic).
True love is when you find someone who can laugh at the absurdity of life with you, who you can be happy with sitting in silence for 24 hours straight, whether you are looking at them behind a glass wall, on a skype screen on the other side of the world, or lying still in their arms. True love is being with someone who reminds you growing up doesn't mean that you can't be a kid always. True love is when the happiness you feel for your own accomplishments is dwarfed by the happiness you feel when the person you love is smiling. True love is finding someone who annoys you less than they make you feel safe, wanted, and at peace with the world's overall lack of meaning -- and even being with someone who gives the world a little bit of powerful temporary meaning.
Source - Quara
If you agree with above , then don't forget to write comment . You should write name of your crush .
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